Coaching for productivity is an approach I take with people who meet with me for therapy around perfectionism and procrastination. As a counsellor who specialises in working with ‘pornography addiction’, procrastination is something I hear about often. Perfectionism often comes up in my conversations with gay men who feel ‘not good enough’ despite striving for high standards. My self employed clients, those in management roles or working without direct supervision tell me feeling ‘productive’ makes a big difference to their job satisfaction.
Perfectionism: Persistent Striving that Sabotages Self-Worth
I would describe perfectionism as persistent striving to meet high standards in a way that creates pressure on yourself. It affects the way you value yourself and makes it difficult for you to feel good about yourself.
Some people might be proud of perfectionism and see it as a positive aspect of their character. But problems arise when perfectionism starts affecting how you function. For example, when perfectionism leaves you so stressed you feel unhappy most of the time. Or you miss out on experiences like spending time with others or on your hobbies. Some people develop OCD-like symptoms (obsessive-compulsive disorder), social anxiety or problems in their relationships. If you find it hard to meet the standards you set yourself you are likely suffering a form of perfectionism.
High standards might have once been your friend but overtime they became an enemy. You can take high standards too far, particularly if those high standards don’t take into account your well-being or health or your emotions.
Perfectionism thrives on self-criticism and a poor relationship with yourself (aka low self-esteem). At its worst, perfectionism has you abandoning yourself and your needs to deal with the task you have set yourself. If you hear a lot of ‘shoulds’ or ‘musts’ in your internal dialogue (e.g. “I SHOULD do a better job of this” or “I MUST get this done before I sleep” etc) you might be in the grip of perfectionism and a critical relationship with yourself.
Parting Ways with Perfectionism as Coaching for Productivity
We generally consider high standards to be a good thing. What we forget is that we can sometimes hold ourselves to high standards to compensate for something we feel ashamed about. Someone who does not like their appearance, for example, might try to do a better job than anyone else to prove their worth in the workplace. People recovering from religious indoctrination can sometimes hold themselves to unachievable high standards.
In terms of perfectionism, coaching for productivity can involve first unpacking what the standard is about and why it is so important to you. You might need to look both at how those standards are positive and also to what extent they are damaging you or causing you harm. You might benefit from changing the standard and adjusting your behaviour.
I encourage people to experiment with different behaviour and see how it feels. This can be uncomfortable at first, but sometimes it is also relieving. For example, a person who feels they can only leave the house after spending an hour on their appearance could try spending half as much time on it and see how that feels and note what is different. Often, when we permit ourselves to be easier on ourselves, the relief we feel is enough incentive to make the change permanent.
Everyone has principles and beliefs they run their life by. You can benefit from support in making adjustments to these rules or even getting rid of some of them completely.
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The Shame of Procrastination: Avoiding Failure
I see procrastination as the other side of perfectionism. If perfectionism is feeling unable to finish something, procrastination is feeling unable to start.
You might be very critical of your procrastination. When I hear people describe themselves as ‘lazy’ for not starting a project or task, I hear self-criticism. At some point, procrastination is the intention to delay a task. If it happens often enough, it can feel like part of your identity. It can become a habit that makes you feel very bad about yourself.
The feelings of guilt or shame that arise from putting off tasks cause people to rationalise the decision with excuses. “I’m too busy…” or “I’m too tired…” or “It’s too late…” etc. Excuses help you feel okay for a while, but they don’t get the job done. Ultimately your excuses sabotage you. Coaching for productivity addresses this form of self-sabotage by exploring the emotions behind it.
Like with perfectionism, procrastination thrives on the rules that we run our lives by: the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ of our internal dialogue. Here we find shame. Shame is the fear that someone will reject us for not having done a task well enough. And a lot of the time it is self-rejection that is at stake. Simply not starting can initially be a way to avoid feeling bad. Unfortunately, avoidance delivers adverse outcomes: we don’t even start the task.
Preventing Procrastination as Coaching for Productivity
Tolerating the discomfort that comes from facing up to fear is an important part of dealing with procrastination. You might have to challenge your excuses. Even if you are busy, you don’t have to put it off. Even if you feel tired, you can make a start. Even if it is late, there is time to begin.
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Encouraging yourself is better than criticising yourself. Through my counselling and coaching practice at Forward Therapy, I help individuals redevelop the relationship they have with their selves. I use compassion-based narrative therapy in addition to other focused psychological strategies like CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and skills training to assist people in creating their own inner coach or cheerleader.
There are several practical aspects of dealing with procrastination that you can discuss during coaching for productivity. With a better relationship with yourself, you can focus on prioritising, scheduling and working more effectively with your motivation and energy. Many clients arrive at therapy feeling quite dysregulated. Making improvements to your sleep, nutrition, exercise and the balance between work and play in your life can be a good starting point. The idea that you have to do everything on your own is particularly unhelpful. All humans benefit from support in what they want to achieve in their lives and there is no shame in accessing help.
Why Am I So Unproductive? What is Wrong With Me?
A lot of people assume that procrastination means they have ADHD. Or that perfectionism means they have OCD or even that they are autistic. The good news is that you don’t necessarily have a disorder or pathology just because you are struggling with productivity. You learn habits and you can also change them. Developing awareness is the first step in change.
We learn procrastination and Perfectionism both directly and indirectly. Direct learning happens when we are rewarded or punished for certain behaviours. We are given rules we are expected to follow. Indirect learning occurs through seeing what others do and copying it. The important point here is that we establish our rules quite early in life, by watching our parents or care providers. Procrastination and perfectionism can become aspects of our personality. It is possible to change them. But if they are embedded deep in who we are as adults, this can take time, patience and awareness.
It is common, for example, that people who suffer from either perfectionism or procrastination were raised under an authoritarian parenting style. This is the type of parenting that focuses on outcomes and neglects a child’s needs. This is one of the reasons consulting a therapist can assist in coaching for productivity.
At Forward Therapy I assist clients to deconstruct the influences behind their behaviour, become more aware of their choices and encourage them to try new ways of being authentically themselves in the world. It isn’t always necessary to talk about your parents or your family of origin. But talking about your upbringing can reveal how it influenced you and how to make changes.
To make an appointment for online coaching or to meet in-person in Surry Hills, contact me.